Mehrbaan

ik  gunah  mera  maa- pay wekhay; tey deway daes nikala
lakh gunah mera Allah wekhay; tey O parday pawan wala

maa-pay; parents
wekhay: watch
daes nikala: unhouse
lakh; hundred thousand
parday pawan wala: one who cover

Zindagi _ Lamha ba Lamha

"Chamakti aankhain...
Muskuratay chehray...
Ulfatein'
Qurbatein.."

mehz chand talkh lehjay

"JudaiiaN
Nafratein,
bheegtay chehray,
udaas aankhein"

Nov. 2013

Dreams are not just an illusion. They make suffer those even more who believe in truthfulness of their dreams. Dreaming is a clue, a possibility, an idea, a “may be”, a wish leading to become a desire. But sometimes it is not all that. Sometimes it is only, “God, please don’t!” the goodness or badness of dreams depends upon how close it is to one’s desire. 
Desires are life. Desiring something/ anything gives life a theme, a meaning, a way to act, an objective to achieve and ultimately the key of one’s’ happiness. Every being on the face of earth is set to desire something big, good, bold and meaningful regardless of people thinking their desires little, insignificant, coward and useless. The only thing that matters is how fast you hold them. (Just thinking of a reoccurring dream)

Judai

agr koi
aap ki moat pr
ro ro kr
thak chuka ho
tu
izzat e nafs ka taqaza ye hay
k aap mar jaien
kum az kum
us k liay
jo aap ki
judai seh gya hay.

Sea

Talash e Gumshuda

2007, Ramadan ka pehla roza, aur nai nai nokri .... qareeban 6 saal pehlay kia baat hy. lekin jb yaad aye tu youn jesay kal ki baat ho. training se wapsi k liay IBA ki building se nikli aur paisay nikalnay k liay bag khola, buhat talash kia mgr siwaye 10 rupees k aur kuch maal-e-ghaneemat br-aamad na ho ska. wallet tu main ghar bhool i thi. aur choonkay subha ko ghar walay drop krtay thay is liay mujhy sara din is baat ka ehsas nai hua k meray pas paisay nahin hain. aur agar ho bhi jata tu bhi shayad yehi hota jo hua. ye bhe buhat hain, mainay andaza lgaya. main itnay paison main do tehai rasta tay kr loongi. mainay socha aur chal pari. 10 minute ki walk k bad public transport pr ghar se qareeban qareeban 2 km k faslay pr utri aur paidal chalnay lagi. garmi aur rozay ki sakhti ki thakan tu thi he magar shamat-e-amaal ye k chaltay sath he joota toot gya. un dino meray bag main hr wqt hr trha ki stationary dastyab hoti thi. so mainay paper tape se joota jora aur phir chal pari. magar wo ziada dair nahi chla. kuch door aik mochi betha tha. mainay usay joota pkraya aur sath he usay kaha k paisay main kal doongi. pta nahi usay meri bat ka yaqeen aya, ya meri shakal pr tars us ne mera joota murammat kia aur kaha 5 rupay. mainay kaha k kal doongi. wo kuch nai bola, main aa gayi.

.... aglay din, aur kai din main roz subha office aatay jatay huay sochti k aaj mainay uskay paisay wapis krnay hain. mgr mujhy nai pta k sirf apni susti ki waja say, ya ghar walon k samnay jhijak ki waja se main kabhi us mochi k paas gaari nahi rukwa ski. ghar se nikaltay waqt purse main se nikal k wo panch rupay main hath main pakar leti aur jab mochi ka khokha guzar jata tu wapis bag main daal leti. shayad aik hafta younhi guzar gya...ya shayd do hftay....main roz usay dekhti thi. aur kehti thi acha kal doongi aur khamoshi se wahan se guzar jati.

us din wapsi pr wo wahan nahi tha. sirf wohi nahi, balkay wahan pr mojood hr trha k ghair qanooni tajawuzat, khokhay walon aur thelay walon ka sfaya krwaya ja chuka tha. sarak ki tameer o muramat shuru ho chuki thi. janay walay apna naam o nishan tak nahi chor k gaye.

mujhy wo kabhi dobara nazar nahi aya. aur wo paanch rupay meray purse mein hmesha k liay bojh ban gaye. phir mainay is bojh se chutkara panay ka tareeqa dhoonda. main 5 rupay denay lagi.. kaffara, sadqa, khairat, qarz ye dena kisi bhi category main nahi aata. krtay krtay 5 rupay 10 main tabdeel ho gaye lekin na bojh kam hua na talash. 

main aaj bhi wahan se guzarti hoon tu be ikhtayar daien janib dekhti rehti hoon jahan wo betha krta tha. har trha ki ghair qanooni tajawuzat dobara ho chuki hain, dukano k bahar sabzi walay, rang rez, naai sb he aik aik kr k loat aye hain. aik nahi aaya tu wo jis ne mera joota theek kr k dia tha aur jis ka mujh pr qarz tha.. aur hay.

Lahore

The ego says,"I shouldn't have to suffer", and that thought makes you suffer so much more.

It is distortion of the truth which is always paradoxical.

The truth is that you need to say YES to suffering before you can transcend it. 

Excerpted

Sob-phobia (A nightmare) Part II

I am unable to recall exact details of her physical appearance, even if I want to do so at this hour of night. The only thing I am able to recollect about how she looked like is her dark complexion and negroid features. However, I can definitely say that it was she who came here just a few minutes ago.

Fully exhausted out of my 16hrs hectic work routine, I fell asleep as soon as I fell on my bed. It was rightly then she entered the room barefooted, sobbing slightly and without making noise. Her sniffling made me awake. I was astonished by her presence just by my bedside. She was holding her right hand’s index finger in her left hand. She had a cut on her finger which was bleeding. I rushed toward her. I couldn’t think of any better option to give her instant relief rather I put her finger in my mouth and softly cleansed it with my tongue. The blood was stopped. I was sitting still on my bed with my left leg hanging and right one curled on bed. I was holding her hand and she was bent forward over her knees. I examined the cut and later her appearance. She was bright and dull same time. She was continuously crying. “Now what’s the issue?” I stared her without saying anything verbally. I could see her eyes full of tears. “Marry me”, she lowered her gaze as she spoke and tears dropped on our hands. "You are totally sick", I pushed her hand away hardly, rejecting her proposal. She couldn’t resist this hit, her head touched the floor. She stopped crying at once. Worriedly, I had to stand up to pull her up. When I came closer to her I saw flow of blood coming out of her neck. In no time I fixed my mouth on her neck to wipe away the blood.

For few minutes I continued sucking her blood and then I realized the grip of her hands over my wrist has loosened. I placed my hand under her nose to check if she is breathing, and yes she was breathing. I asked her to leave immediately. I helped her to drag her out of my place and came back into my quilt.

Now, as she has left and there is no mark left anywhere of her visit, I don’t know why I am afraid of her come back. I am fraying my lips against my sleeves repeatedly and unconsciously. I swear I didn’t kill her; she was alive when she left, I am telling myself. I didn’t harm her anyway, it was she who came to me with her injury and I just wanted to assuage her pain. I wonder how can she get access to this place or maybe it was just a nightmare because I skipped my night prayer.


September 13, 2013
Friday 2.30pm
Lahore

I want to walk towards you

I want to walk towards you,
And just love you.
But that's impossible because
Sins of the past have left
More scars than they healed.

So even though I love you
I can't be with you,
And even though your love is my drug
I have to stop this addiction before it starts.

And now my tears
Have turned to ink,
and the tears that fall down
on paper form these words,

I love you,
but I'm scared of having you.

First Meeting

“Sobia Ehsan!”

(Attentively) “Yes, Sir”.
“Sobia, PhD krtay krtay log boorhay ho jatay hain!!! (like warning)”
“wo tu wesay bhi ho jatay hain (light-heartedly)”
“hotay hain, lekin PhD krnay walay ziada jaldi boorhay ho jatay hain”
“(sigh) aur main bhi buhat jaldi main hoon”
"Hahahaha"….. an unrestrained laughter filled the room.


This was my first face to face meeting with my mentor instead of a formal greeting, while I entered his office, today.

Sobia Ehsan
September 10, 2013
Gad and Birgit Rausing Library, LUMS
Lahore