dard bhi is trha se hota hay
jesay phir dard he nahi hona

She died

I want to die.

I want to die.

I want to die.

She committed suicide today. People wonder "aenni parrhi likhi ho k, aenni kamyab ho k ae kum kitta! barri nashukri kitti" (that she must not have done this act as she was so learned and so successful. Indeed she was ungrateful).

I do not agree with them. I know this kind of knowledge, this awareness brings more desperation and frustration in one's being. You may manage to make them believe that you are having an excellent life but you cannot justify to yourself.

Perhaps she was having an affair.
Perhaps she was dis-heart over a minor dispute.

Or she was annoyed.

She felt like a loser.

She quit.

Peace, she wanted but will never find.
Escape was not the right solution, but she did.
Written in response to Nabiha Ch.'s death.

Nasoor

kuch bhi tu sahi say nahi ho rha. na deen, na duniya. na din, na raat. na parhai na awargi, na dosti, na muhabbat, na rishta dari na ghardari. dil kahin bhi nahi lagta. sonay ka waqt ho tu neend nahi aati, din charha ho tu thakan se choor, adam bezar ho kr bister per girnay ko jee chahta hay. 

kehtay hain soch main, qol main aur fael main tazad ho tu skoon e qalb muyyasar nahi aa skta. zameer mutmain na ho tu skoon ki neend nahi aati. khwa ma khwa he log mukafat e amal ki baat krtay hain. kl kuch nahi hona. sab kuch aaj hona hay, kl jug nahi kr jug hay ye, yahan din ko day aur raat ko lay. 

kehtay hain k pachtaway had se barh jaien tu insan dewangi ki taraf janay lagta hay. duniya se kinara kash honay lgta hay aur khali dimagh mein siwaye wehshat k aur koi cheez ghar nahi krti. pta nahi dewanay log kesay hotay hongay aur pta nahi wehshat main log kia krtay hon gay.

kisi hadith ka mafhoom hay k logon pr aik zamana aye ga k wo din k aik hissay main iman pr hongay aur doosray hissay main is k barkhilaf. shayad wo zamana aa gya hay, din k kuch hison main man maani krnay walay log raat k akhri kinaron main apnay gunahon pr sharmsaar hotay hain. aur raat ki siyahi main chup kr gunah krnay walay din k ujalon mein beth kr apnay daman k dagh dhotay rehtay hain.

kehtay hain 23 se 30 saal ka umr ka hissa buhat lamba hota hay. aur 30 se 40 saal honay main daer nahi lagti. ya tu ye k zindagi nahi guzar rhi hoti aur waqt hath se nikalta jata hay aur kahan ye k waqt nahi guzarta aur zindagi guzar jati hay.

aesa kion na ho, khobsoorat khwab bun'nay main, un main muhabbat k rung bharnay main, umeed  ka diya jalaye rakhnay main, aur phir un ko toot'ta bikhrta dekhnay main, kirchiaN chun'nay main, zakhm sehlanay main, ronay main aur phir ro dho kr khamosh honay main waqt tu lagta hay na. shayad isi thehrao ka naam sabr hay. jb koi daleel na bachay tu isay Khuda ki maslehat jaan.nay main he aafiyat hay, k jo hota hay achay k liay hota hay.

mainay suna hay k Khuda us qom ki halat tb tk nai badalta jb tk insan khud apnay aap ko sudharna nai chahta. phir ye bhi k haalaat nahi badlaingay jb tk un se sabaq na seekha jaye. 

Mayoosi kuch bhi nahi hoti, siwaye ye k aap un logon main uth'tay beth'tay hain jinhon nay apko shikast khorda tasleem kr lia hay. kuch log apni nakamioN ka badla isi trha letay hain k doosroN ko bhi disheart krain. mayoos insan doosray logon ko kuch nahi deta siwaye mayoosi k. nakami moat tu nahi hoti, phir issay zindagi ka ikhtetam kion tasawur kia jata hay. log nakam honay se itna dartay kion hain? aur draatay kion hain? 

zindagi k 4 saal deemak ki trha hr cheez tabah kr gaye. koi b nahi roya. na zalim na mazloom. ye jo log zakhm se khoon rista dekh kr jonk ki tarha chimat jatay hain na ye kabhi zakham bharnay nahi detay. zindagi main skoon aur itmenan ko mayoosi aur nakami k iwaz bech dia jaye tu khushi kahan se milay g. koi saahir hay, qaid nahi krta, azadi k geet sunata rehta hay.... pr main urr nahi pati. janay ye kia talism hay aur kb tootay, kb meri rehaai ho.

S. EA

In pursuit of forgiveness

Mujhay ye shoq tha k hmain duniya main bhi milna hay aur ye sath aesa ho k ham jannat main bhi aik doosray k sath hon. Phir shoq ko kuch be yaqeeni aur kuch yaqeen honay laga k duniya main milain na milain hmain aakhirat main milna hay. Aik khwahish jo jarrain pakarti gaii k Allah Jee Jannat main tu sb duaien poori karaingay. So main Khuda say tumhara sath maang loongi.

Waqt ki lehrain sb kuch baha kr lay jati hain ma-siwaye aadhay adhooray naqoosh k jo na tu theek say bantay hain na mit.tay hain. ye bhi aesi he koi shabeeh hay kisi aesay shakhs ki jis ko naaz tha apni paakeezgi pr, yaqeen tha khud k seedhay rastay pr, fakhar tha apnay khaloos pr aur shayad ghumand tha apnay kirdaar pr. phir wo shabeeh kabhi mukamil nahi honay paii. bhla ye koi baat hay k seep ka moti is baat pr ghumand kray k ussay aaj tk kisi nay nai chooa. abhi tu sonay ko kundan honay k liay aag main buhat sa dehkna baqi tha. phir kesa naaz. phir kesa ghuroor.

wo matti ki dheri, gharoor k qabil nahi thi aur usay aesa krna raas bhi nahi aaya. thokar lagi. kuch toota kuch bikhra pehli thokar hoti he is liay hay, k kuch toot jaye ander he ander, kuch bikhar jaye, magr sambhlnay ki gunjaish k sath. lekin is k baad koi moqa nahi hota sambhalnay ka. doosri thokar tu mukammil bakhair deti hay, choora choora, reza reza wajood, saari zindagi kirchian chun'nay aur wapis asl khaka bnanay main lag jati hay. aur himmat nahi rehti, irada nahi rehta simatnay ka sambhalnay ka.

Kehtay hain k jannat main wohi log dakhil hongay jo Allah k farman.bardar hain. Mujhay kisi shoq, kisi khwahish ka armaan hay na zid. jb darmiyan main kuch baqi he na bachay tu phir milnay milaanay salam dua krnay ka faida. Mujhay sakht preshani ho rhi hay. Mayoos nahi hoon pr fikr lahaq hay. kia main kabhi is muqam pr kharri nai hoongi k main jo maangooN Allah jee day dain.

Sobia

Peace at War

Finally, the ego won as it thought it deserves not to suffer or get hurt once again. The senses warned me that I have no capacity to bear more pain and that's why I didn't take risk. Though, heart said "Yes, I am ready to be hit once again. I am a mirror, more I will be broken into pieces more clear will be the God's image in me". But I didn't hear it. Because, I had a fear of losing so called self respect.
I have learn't to be a realist rather fantasising ifs and buts. I have learnt to control the impulsiveness. I have learnt that either its love or hate that connects the people and beyond that there is nothing but vacuum.
People come and go and even memories fade. Missing someone is natural but expecting the same in return is selfishness. I have learnt that while focussing is very important in love, de-focussing is even more important. The lover and beloved both will die in the end both will be accounted for their deeds.

Swaiba EA

Oct 2, 2014
G-7/1, Islamabad

Retrogressive Shadows

Blessed is He in whose hand is dominion, and He is over all things competent.[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving.......Does He who created not know, while He is the Subtle, the Acquainted? Al- Quran (Surah Al-Mulk)

.......

"Don't you think we have talked about almost everything so many times that I am sure I can write a thesis on you?"

"Hahaha" "yes, tum tu sb jaantay ho! (you know everything)" He said in his typical assertive tone. It was a routine sitting. I took a sip of tea and looked at him. He was as usual graceful and refined. "But you have never told me one thing about you" I forwarded the conversation as soon as a new question struck my head.

"And what's that?" He asked. "Its not about the dreams, the passion, the agenda, not even about the failures or depravities. You know, its something different." "Come on! ask what do you want to know." 

"Its about your fears. What are you afraid of? Tell me quickly" I asked with curiosity and excitement. "Haaaahh! A deep sigh (as I could hear without looking at him) yes, its a new question from you. And I can tell you. Usually I am not afraid of the dark but sometimes it scares me. I cant switch off my zero power bulb in night. Sometimes I feel that somebody is whirling my arm behind me. You know that is such an intense feeling that makes me sweat. It is really an awful feeling. That is fearful for me." He stood up from his bench and plucked some grass stalks with white flowers. "You know, in Murree, women and kids make tiaras and baskets from this and make money. I can make one for you. May I?". I approved with a smile.

"But my question wasn't that simple", I tried to bring him back to my query. "Which question?" He asked. "The question regarding fears", I reminded. "Yes, elaborate now", he said while started making a ring of my head size with flowers. "I want to know what are your fears of life?". I asked with the same energy.

"Okey, I tell you." and there he took a long pause. I hold my breath for few minutes in wait of reply but as this pause became uncomfortable I broke the ice. "Jee???" "I can answer you, you know I never conceal anything from you, infact I can not. But it might spoil the evening".

"No, No, No..... believe you me! Even if you say that I am a source of your nightmares I won't mind." I gave a silly laughter to make him comfortable. 

"Mukafat e Amal" he said. I realised he wasn't listening my joke. His voice was grave and low. "The retribution is my biggest fear of life". I could feel the pain and deepness in his tone. 

While his hands were continuously engaged in making the tiara, he kept his gaze lowered and didn't speak anything. I could recall those very few times when he behaved like this. Like when he lost his job many years ago or when his father departed. But today this sudden change in his mood was not apprehensible. there must be something specific that made him so concerned but I ignored and argued, "Are you afraid of destiny?"

"Destiny? please don't confuse destiny with retribution. We reap what we sow. In sowing season even if you don't seed anything fruitful your yield will be weeds. And when one has purposely sown negativities how can he expect positiveness from his future?" 

"Do you think its your regret from the past or some guilt that could tarnish your future? Do you really believe it?"

"No, its not my belief. Its my faith. Everything good or bad I have done will come in front of me. And this is what bothers me day and night". He looked so upset and uncomfortable as he is able to see something as a real punishment in his future. "You ll not be punished for anything". He looked at me with a surprise. "Are you saying this? you know everything about me", his eyes spoke.

"Despaired?" I asked him.

He didn't reply. "Do you think me as a part of your guilt or regret?"

"I cant help it" he continued his speech like a sermon. "I have no idea what to do. I wish I could make things possible and acceptable for all of us. I am the one who make things happen. But I can not. This is not that easy. you know about me. you say you understand me. you know about the responsibilities and the bindings I have. I don't want to make you suffer. you whom I consider a part of me I can never imagine to make you suffer because of me. You know I have never been deceitful to you. you know my sincerity since so many years. you know every bit of me. Don't you?"

"Yes, I do, I do", I said. "I know you but I don't know the person sitting next to me right now" my heart whispered.

"In my prayers I ask the best of the bests for you. A complete life with all the blessings of Almighty Allah" I nodded my head when he spoke.

"Why don't you ask the same for yourself too. Why are you so despaired regarding yourself?" I raised the point in my heart. "Do not despair the mercy of Allah" I started as if I had decided something. (Till that moment even I wasn't sure where things will lead).

"Don't you think its time to take the U turn? a go back. As they say its never too late to mend. And I have also heard that everything has to go back to its origin."

"And what will you do?" as if he has accepted my proposal.

"Patience"

"Its not that easy".

"Yes, I know. But my cause is bigger." I noticed he had completed the tiara. It was really beautiful. He stood up from his seat and stood by my side. He adorned me with his hand made headdress. Tears welled up in my eyes. Tears of gratitude, love, losing and pain. "Are you fine?" he asked very formally. "Yes, I do", I replied.

"Are you sure about your decision?"

"Yes, I am"

"Harsh feelings?" he asked.

"No, it will be fine soon" I managed composure.

"Okey, then get up and say me a whole heartedly Good bye."

Allah Hafiz (Be God with you)

Allah Hafiz (Be God with you)

Indeed the patient will be given their reward without account..... And whoever Allah guides for him there is no misleader. Is not Allah Exalted in Might and Owner of Retribution?.... Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." And return [in repentance] to your Lord and submit to Him before the punishment comes upon you; then you will not be helped. And follow the best of what was revealed to you from your Lord before the punishment comes upon you suddenly while you do not perceive. Al-Quran (Surah Al Zumurd)

Sobia

NUST 

Islamabad

Dhoop main Saye, Ab Nahin

BazurgoN (Old) ki misal saya dar darakhtoN (trees) jesi hay. apni jarroN (roots) pr bandhay huay aik satoon ki manind, ye kahiN nahi jatay, kharay rehtay hain. Hum aagay barhnay k shoq aur ooncha urrnay ki khwahish main in darakhtoN ki shakhoN se urr bhi jaien tab bhi ye hmain fiza main parwaz krta dekh kr khush hotay rehtay hain. hmari shakhsiyat main apna guzra hua kl dhoondtay hain, hmari aanay wali kal main apnay khwab rakh detay hain. 

ye sar sabz o shadab darakht hmain khul kr saans lenay main madad krtay hain aur kabhi hum gir jaien tu dukhi ho jatay hain. ye kuch nahi kehtay, bas ta dam e aakhir hmaray haq main dua go rehtay hain aur intezar krtay rehtay hain k kabhi hmain un k zaroorat na parray. aur agar aesi soorat pesh aa jaye tu ye apna aap hmain paish kr detay hain.

ye oonchay lambay darakht phal na de skain tu km az km jhoolay daalnay k kaam aatay hain. tez dhoop main saya faraham krtay hain, tund o tez aandhion aur selaab se bachanay walay darakht aur kisi kaam k bhi na rahain tu apni sookhi lakri tk paish kr detay hain. ta k ghar ka ghar ka choolha jalta rahay. 

hum sari zindagi in ashjar ki mojoodgi ko for granted  letay rehtay hain aur ehsas tb ja kr hota hay jb wo gir jatay hain aur sooraj ain sir pr hota hay.

Lekin phir wo kahin nahi hotay. magar hr waqt hmaray sath hotay hain. aik yaad, aik hasrat, aur aik un kahi ki tarha. unki ankhain hmari aankhon main rehti hain, un ki awaz k zer o bam hmari awaz main goonjnay lagtay hain. unka lams mehsoos hota rehta hay. unka andaz hmaray rawayyay main jhalaknay lagta hay yahan tk k hm khud apnay wajood ko youn mehsoos krtay hain goya hm bhi unhi ki manind aik shajar hain. apni jarroN se bandhay huay aik satoon ki manind.

Swaiba EA

May 2014

Today's Bed Time Writing

Writing is motivational and easier while technical writing is laborious and hard. So I enjoy taking time to write something non technical, comprehensible,  and not for publishing purpose. It consoles me, keeps me light and above all I enjoy moments with myself (the present, the past, and sometimes the future too.) 

So, the lesson was, "as a final analysis you will see, it was only between you and your lord. It was never between you and them, anyway".

Anyway, yes, I surrendered and I submitted. Because, I am weak and I have been committing mistakes repeatedly. I have no reason to question why so and why me?

I know that all the acts of kindness, love and affection, care and humanity are never to return back but to pass on. I also know that greatness belongs not to those who claim that we give or we share but it belongs to those who receive and share. And I understand that all acts of giving and receiving is for Allah and ultimately goes to Allah. We are just the channels. And a good channel must not have any blockage it should be clean and open. I want to be a channel without any blockage of bad intentions. I want to open my heart and hands for everyone.

Yes, I keep reminding myself the more good done today will be often forgotten tomorrow. But I also know that their is no limit of doing good. I want to be flexible, I need more patience, more tolerance and more harmony. I don't want my rewards here in this world. I just need a more soft and more obedient heart. All else is okey for me.

SEA

NUST 

Islamabad

Mere Hamdam Mere Dost

Sobia, hoshmandi (alertness) se ziada kabhi be-ihtiati (carelessness) soodmand useful) sabit hoti hay aur aksar hamaqatoN (mischiefs) ka ajar bhi mil jata hay. saari baat muhabbat main rakh rakhao (etiquettes) ki hay, rawayyay (aattitude) aur ehdaaf (goals) ki hay. yaadoN k dareechay khultay hain tu barri mushkil se band hotay hain. choti se choti aur ghair ehm baat yaad aati hay. aesay jesay k tareek wajood main aas ki kirnaiN .....

taluqat bhi kisi na kisi morr pr khatam ho jatay hain....haan, un k saye kabhi khatam nahi hotay. Kuch rishtoN ko na tu ham qubool krtay hain aur na rad kr sktay hain. Muhabbat ki rahoN main bhi kinaray kinaray chalna parta hay. Dil ko dimagh ki baagoN k qaboo main rakhna parta hay. Barkha rut main sada zindagi barri masoomiat se larkhara jati hay. kuch lamhati tajrubay insaan ki sari zindagi pr muheet ho jatay hain.bas ik haseen yad, lamhay se khilwat roshan, dil bhi abaad aur zehn bhi. Aankh band tu sapna, kholo tu haqeeqat. zindagi k na khatam honay walay safar main mayoosi k andheroN k bawjood roshni k naye jugnoo talash krnay partay hain...

Pta nahi hmaray ikhtiar main zindagi ko forward krnay ka button kion nahi hay, ta k jaan skain k kis ka sath umar bhar ka hay aur kis ka lamhay ka.
Goya hum kainaat ki veranioN main urrtay huay awara zarray hain jin ko na zameen nigalti hay na asmaan sambhalta hay. Phir bhi safar ko beech main nahi chor sktay.

wo   kahaniaN     adhoori   jo     na    ho     skain   g   poori
unhain main bhi kion sunaooN unhain tum bhi kion sunaao

Evening in Shahi Mohalla; the world inside Texali Gate, Lahore

Sometimes a real adventure is pursuing something that was never in your bucket list. Well like everybody I also have a long long list of things I want to do before I die. I think that those things will give me real happiness and peace of mind. I am not sure will I ever go on a world tour or at least to Nanga Parbat. I don't know whether my wish of marrying a rich, loving and noble man approx. 10 years elder than me will ever be accomplished. I don't know if I can ever Hifz the Holy Quran and so on. I always keep on thinking once I ll be able to do x y z things only then I can be happy. But today I have realised that there are moments in ones life that give you so much happiness, internal satisfaction and peace that you fail to remain depressed.

This was totally unexpected, unplanned and initially undesired but with the passage of time it turned into a planned, adventurous, and full of fun evening.

The time spent today in the walled city of Lahore (though it was just a gate) is a real treasure for the rest of my life. In this corner of the city the Sun rises when everywhere else it sets of. Instead of working from 8 am to 4 pm the business hours here are 8 pm to 1 am during week days. and 8 pm to 2 am on weekends.

Old City of Lahore; Architecture restored for commercial purpose

The food street here is a restoration to old architecture and a represents cultural heritage of the area. One forgets the taste of the meal as the typical ambience, the music, the aroma and roof top is itself a big treat. I may go there again and again but it will always remind me of my today's trip. I am not going to miss it. I am going to cherish it.

A view of Badshahi Mosque from an Old building nearby. (Photo by: Swaiba EA)

Swaiba EA

Lahore

Sep 9, 2014