Retrogressive Shadows

Blessed is He in whose hand is dominion, and He is over all things competent.[He] who created death and life to test you [as to] which of you is best in deed and He is the Exalted in Might, the Forgiving.......Does He who created not know, while He is the Subtle, the Acquainted? Al- Quran (Surah Al-Mulk)

.......

"Don't you think we have talked about almost everything so many times that I am sure I can write a thesis on you?"

"Hahaha" "yes, tum tu sb jaantay ho! (you know everything)" He said in his typical assertive tone. It was a routine sitting. I took a sip of tea and looked at him. He was as usual graceful and refined. "But you have never told me one thing about you" I forwarded the conversation as soon as a new question struck my head.

"And what's that?" He asked. "Its not about the dreams, the passion, the agenda, not even about the failures or depravities. You know, its something different." "Come on! ask what do you want to know." 

"Its about your fears. What are you afraid of? Tell me quickly" I asked with curiosity and excitement. "Haaaahh! A deep sigh (as I could hear without looking at him) yes, its a new question from you. And I can tell you. Usually I am not afraid of the dark but sometimes it scares me. I cant switch off my zero power bulb in night. Sometimes I feel that somebody is whirling my arm behind me. You know that is such an intense feeling that makes me sweat. It is really an awful feeling. That is fearful for me." He stood up from his bench and plucked some grass stalks with white flowers. "You know, in Murree, women and kids make tiaras and baskets from this and make money. I can make one for you. May I?". I approved with a smile.

"But my question wasn't that simple", I tried to bring him back to my query. "Which question?" He asked. "The question regarding fears", I reminded. "Yes, elaborate now", he said while started making a ring of my head size with flowers. "I want to know what are your fears of life?". I asked with the same energy.

"Okey, I tell you." and there he took a long pause. I hold my breath for few minutes in wait of reply but as this pause became uncomfortable I broke the ice. "Jee???" "I can answer you, you know I never conceal anything from you, infact I can not. But it might spoil the evening".

"No, No, No..... believe you me! Even if you say that I am a source of your nightmares I won't mind." I gave a silly laughter to make him comfortable. 

"Mukafat e Amal" he said. I realised he wasn't listening my joke. His voice was grave and low. "The retribution is my biggest fear of life". I could feel the pain and deepness in his tone. 

While his hands were continuously engaged in making the tiara, he kept his gaze lowered and didn't speak anything. I could recall those very few times when he behaved like this. Like when he lost his job many years ago or when his father departed. But today this sudden change in his mood was not apprehensible. there must be something specific that made him so concerned but I ignored and argued, "Are you afraid of destiny?"

"Destiny? please don't confuse destiny with retribution. We reap what we sow. In sowing season even if you don't seed anything fruitful your yield will be weeds. And when one has purposely sown negativities how can he expect positiveness from his future?" 

"Do you think its your regret from the past or some guilt that could tarnish your future? Do you really believe it?"

"No, its not my belief. Its my faith. Everything good or bad I have done will come in front of me. And this is what bothers me day and night". He looked so upset and uncomfortable as he is able to see something as a real punishment in his future. "You ll not be punished for anything". He looked at me with a surprise. "Are you saying this? you know everything about me", his eyes spoke.

"Despaired?" I asked him.

He didn't reply. "Do you think me as a part of your guilt or regret?"

"I cant help it" he continued his speech like a sermon. "I have no idea what to do. I wish I could make things possible and acceptable for all of us. I am the one who make things happen. But I can not. This is not that easy. you know about me. you say you understand me. you know about the responsibilities and the bindings I have. I don't want to make you suffer. you whom I consider a part of me I can never imagine to make you suffer because of me. You know I have never been deceitful to you. you know my sincerity since so many years. you know every bit of me. Don't you?"

"Yes, I do, I do", I said. "I know you but I don't know the person sitting next to me right now" my heart whispered.

"In my prayers I ask the best of the bests for you. A complete life with all the blessings of Almighty Allah" I nodded my head when he spoke.

"Why don't you ask the same for yourself too. Why are you so despaired regarding yourself?" I raised the point in my heart. "Do not despair the mercy of Allah" I started as if I had decided something. (Till that moment even I wasn't sure where things will lead).

"Don't you think its time to take the U turn? a go back. As they say its never too late to mend. And I have also heard that everything has to go back to its origin."

"And what will you do?" as if he has accepted my proposal.

"Patience"

"Its not that easy".

"Yes, I know. But my cause is bigger." I noticed he had completed the tiara. It was really beautiful. He stood up from his seat and stood by my side. He adorned me with his hand made headdress. Tears welled up in my eyes. Tears of gratitude, love, losing and pain. "Are you fine?" he asked very formally. "Yes, I do", I replied.

"Are you sure about your decision?"

"Yes, I am"

"Harsh feelings?" he asked.

"No, it will be fine soon" I managed composure.

"Okey, then get up and say me a whole heartedly Good bye."

Allah Hafiz (Be God with you)

Allah Hafiz (Be God with you)

Indeed the patient will be given their reward without account..... And whoever Allah guides for him there is no misleader. Is not Allah Exalted in Might and Owner of Retribution?.... Say, "O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allah. Indeed, Allah forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful." And return [in repentance] to your Lord and submit to Him before the punishment comes upon you; then you will not be helped. And follow the best of what was revealed to you from your Lord before the punishment comes upon you suddenly while you do not perceive. Al-Quran (Surah Al Zumurd)

Sobia

NUST 

Islamabad